A Very Uncomfortable Christmas
by Jay D. Moore
Summary: Christmas at Chuck's. Absolute bullshit that I wrote for shits and giggles. Crack. Destiel. Gabe and Lucy fight over Sammy's booty. No sex, but M for cursing and insinuation. I think there is cursing idk. Oneshot. (There's a character limit so I will mention that Chuck, Raphael, Sam, Michael, and Balthazar are all in here.)


**A/N: I am at my Grandmothers but tbh I cant think up shit to do for any of my multichapter stories, and Im trying to get the inspiration flowing, so I am about to write some absolute crack filled bullshit for you lovelies. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural**

**Christmas At Chuck's**

Michael, of course, was the first to show up. In fact, he showed up a whole two days before the actual Christmas dinner. He actually did most of the preparations while Chuck hid anything that might be use to injure someone. He helped out as best as he could by going and getting a tree- a real one, Chuck didn't ask where he got it- and putting it up himself. He even hung mistletoe. Chuck was pretty sure Michael had no clue how mistletoe worked, since it was mostly going to be his brothers visiting.

The next to show up, the night before the dinner, was Castiel, with the Winchesters in tow. Dean did NOT look too pleased to see Michael, and Chuck couldn't fault him there, but they all pitched in to help Chuck cook the best damned Christmas dinner that had ever been made. He'd been planning to just sort of magic it into existence, but Dean and Sam had insisted that they make it. Dean had, in fact, informed Chuck that he wasn't eating anything that was just poofed into existence.

Next to show up was Raphael. She seemed quite put off by the whole thing, claiming she was only there to see her dad, but she helped wrap presents none the less, and seemed mildly entertained by the elder Winchesters' drunken Christmas carols. Chuck was less impressed, as the drunk part had greatly diminished his eggnog supply.

The next day, at approximately noon, there was a knock at the door.

"I've got it, Father." Michael said quickly, before Chuck had even considered moving.

A few seconds later, Michael started yelling. Dean jumped up, reaching for his gun, but Castiel placed a steadying hand on his arm.

"It's just Lucifer, Dean."

"You brought a gun to a house full of angels?" Chuck muttered, and was ignored.

"Cas, that does not make me any more comfortable."

Chuck sighed, running a hand down his face, but brightened up a bit as his sons re-entered the room. Lucifer had brought more booze.

"Hello Father. Hello Sam. Where should I put this?"

Chuck ignored Sam's whisper of 'why did he only greet me and Chuck', rising from his seat to take the bag of liquor from his son.

"I'll take care of it, you just settle down. You can help the Winchesters' wrap gifts if you like, yours are already under the tree."

Lucifer did as asked, sitting a bit too close to Sam for anyone's comfort, and Chuck hid the drinks in the kitchen. He didn't want Dean drinking it all, after all. By the time he returned to the living room, Balthazar was there as well, casually draped over the couch beside Raphael, who was looking at him distastefully.

"Chuck," he began, arching a brow in a way that only Balthazar could. "Why is there mistletoe hung over the kitchen doorway? You do realize we are all your children, I hope."

Chuck sighed, slumping back into his chair and gesturing towards Michael with a lazy flick of his fingers.

"Ah." Balthazar muttered, as if that explained everything.

A few hours later, the table had been set by Michael and Lucifer- they'd only fought a little over it- and everyone sat down to dinner.

"Alright everyone, join hands." Chuck instructed, and of course his son's and daughter obeyed. He smiled a little before closing his eyes. "Dear me, please bless this food. Amen."

He let out a little laugh at the look on the Winchesters' faces, before rubbing his hands together eagerly.

"Alright boys, dig in."

After that things became quite awkward, the silence only broken by the occasional 'could you pass the potato salad' or 'So, Sam, how is your body feeling?'

Sam refused to answer that question, instead giving Lucifer his best bitch face.

Eventually, even the light attempts at not being weird faded out, and everyone was just sitting there staring at each other, not eating.

"This is just sad." A voice said from the doorway.

Chuck sighed in relief, turning to look at Gabriel, who was leaning casually against the door frame as if he lived there.

"You are late."

"An angel is never late, Dad, nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to."

"Yeah, well, you arrived late."

Gabriel laughed, sliding into the chair between Lucifer and Michael and grabbing a plate.

"Yo, Deano, pass me them taters."

Dean looked insulted by the nickname, and Castiel passed the potatoes to Gabriel when Dean refused.

"Why are there so many potatoes on this table?" Balthazar asked, speaking for the first time since they'd sat down.

"The neighbor is a potato farmer." Chuck muttered, shoveling a bite of mashed potatoes into his gaping maw.

Castiel was staring at his plate as though it were some sort of riddle, and Dean sighed, picking up his spoon and shoving some food into the unsuspecting angels mouth.

"It ain't gonna bite, Cas, just eat it."

"Dad, is there a reason you invited us here?" Raphael suddenly asked, setting down her fork.

"It's your half brother's birthday, sort of, we have to celebrate."

"Then why isn't Jesus here?" She inquired. Michael nodded, agreeing with her question.

"He's going through a bit of a phase right now. Wants to chill on Earth in the form of a homeless guy and freak people out by healing them at random."

"That's fantastic." Gabriel laughed, snapping his fingers to replace everything on his plate with candy.

"You are going to get cavities." Michael stated flatly, glaring at the plate.

"I am an angel, Michael." Gabriel stated with a roll of his eyes, slapping Lucifer's hand away from his candy.

"You never share." Lucifer whined.

"Get your own, dick bag."

"HEY AT LEAST I DIDN'T TRY TO FUCK YOUR VESSEL. CAN YOU SAY THE SAME?"

"Excuse me?" Sam interrupted, looking alarmed.

"Hush, Sam baby, it's nothing." Gabriel assured.

"Please don't call me baby." Sam asked, looking mildly grossed out.

"I need a drink." Chuck muttered.

"You tried to copulate with Lucifer's vessel?" Castiel inquired, looking mildly interested.

"Cas." Dean growled, an obvious warning that sailed right over Castiel's head.

"I don't recall you making any advances towards Sam."

"That's because you wouldn't know flirting if someone shoved it right up your pretty little-"

"ALRIGHT I THINK THAT'S ENOUGH SUPPER LET'S MOVE ON TO THE PRESENTS NOW." Chuck yelped, standing up abruptly.

The angels filed neatly into the living room, each one settling down into a different spot. Lucifer and Gabriel sat on either side of Sam on the couch, Dean and Cas sat on the floor by the tree, Michael knelt next to his dad's chair, and Raphael and Balthazar stayed standing, the latter leaning against the wall in a vaguely off putting manner.

"Alright, Dean, since you're closest, you pass out gifts." Chuck said, settling into his chair.

"Okay this first one is for Lucifer."

Lucifer opened the gift destructively fast, and let out a shocked noise as he held up an intricate key.

"It's sort of symbolic. I think you've been grounded long enough, though you are still on probation." Chuck explained, smiling at his son.

Lucifer smiled just a little, tucking the key into his pocket.

"Thank you, Father."

"Okie dokie, next is Michael."

Michael's gift was fairly simple, just a cellphone, and Chuck simply explained that he though Michael should learn more about humanity before writing them off, and also that Chuck's number was in it.

Sam got a laptop that would never not have wifi. It would even work in hell. Gabriel got a box of candy that would never run out. Balthazar got an angelic weapon, which made everyone uncomfortable. Raphael got her own jar of holy oil, and some tampons. Castiel got a card, and Dean got pie and inner peace.

Once the gifts were unwrapped, Raphael bid farewell to her dad and left, and Balthazar followed shortly. Gabriel offered to help cleanup, but he didn't do very well so Chuck sent him off early. Lucifer left for heaven around eight, and Michael left with him to make sure he didn't destroy everything. They bickered all the way out the door. Dean, Sam, and Cas were cleanup crew, and Chuck settled into his chair while they did so. When they were done, Sam went to start the car while Dean and Cas talked in the kitchen.

It was when they both stepped under the doorway that Chuck cleared his throat and pointed above them. They were under the mistletoe.

Dean blushed, but Castiel didn't give him a chance to tell God to fuck off, moving in and kissing the elder Winchester swiftly before leading him towards the door. Chuck figured he must have understood that card after all.

"This was fun, Father." Cas said, glancing over his shoulder. "Next year, we could do it at the bunker."

That woke Dean from his kiss induced trance, and the last thing Chuck heard as they walked out the door was a loud 'Oh FUCK NO."

Chuck laughed, fading from sight.

"Merry Christmas, assholes."


End file.
